Grief Myths That Might Be Hurting More Than Helping
Here’s what I know about how our society handles grief:
We expect people to be really sad and crying when someone they love dies, but only for a few weeks. Then we expect them to have it all together again. If you're not visibly heartbroken right away, people wonder if you’re avoiding your pain. But if it hits you later? Suddenly, that’s “wrong” too. And if your grief shows up as isolation or withdrawal, people tend to lose patience quickly.
So many guidelines, all so specific. And so unrealistic.
Grief looks different for everyone. It should look different, because every person is unique, and every loss is deeply personal. There is no “right” way to grieve.
Let’s talk about some common myths around grief that might be adding pressure or confusion to your process.
Myth #1: Grief Happens in Five Stages
You’ve probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Here's something most people don’t know: those stages were originally created to describe what people go through when they’re facing their own death, not grieving the death of someone else. Over time, they were generalized to apply to all grief.
If the stages resonate with you, that’s great. If they help give language to your experience, then keep using them. Anything that helps us move through grief is welcome.
If you don’t feel like you’re moving through neat stages, or if you skip some entirely, or come back to them years later, that’s okay too. Grief isn’t linear. It’s not a checklist. You don’t have to pass through a sequence to be doing it "right."
Myth #2: You Should Feel Sad When Someone Dies
Death brings up a wide range of emotions, and not all of them are sadness.
You might feel guilt.
You might feel relief.
You might feel angry or pissed off.
You might feel heartbroken, confused, or even happy.
Sometimes all on the same day.
There’s no single emotional roadmap through grief. You might expect yourself to feel devastated, but instead you feel numb, or vice versa. You might laugh at something and then immediately feel guilty for laughing. You might feel free, and then ashamed for feeling that way.
It’s all normal. It’s all allowed.
Grief is not a one-emotion experience, it’s a full-body, full-heart, full-life experience. However it shows up for you is okay.
Myth #3: Grief Gets Better With Time
Maybe it does for some people. But for others, it gets harder. Or messier. Or more complicated over time. Hearing “it gets better with time” can feel like a cruel joke when it just... doesn’t.
A better truth might be: grief changes over time. Your relationship to the loss, to your loved one, and to your own emotional landscape might shift. That doesn’t mean it gets better or worse, it just evolves. And that’s still grief.
Myth #4: If You're Not Going to Therapy, You're Doing It Wrong
Therapy can be an incredible support when you’re grieving. It can help normalize your feelings, offer structure, and provide a place where your pain is witnessed.
Therapy is not always the answer and it’s not the only way to move through your grief. Some people grieve through gardening, journaling, cooking, creating art, talking with friends, visiting meaningful places, or sharing memories.
There’s no single “proper” way to grieve. There’s only your way.
Myth #5: You Have to Cry
You don’t have to cry to prove you’re grieving. And if you do cry, you don’t have to do it publicly. Your emotions don’t need to be performative or visible to be valid.
Myth #6: It's Wrong to Feel Relief
Not wrong at all. Relief is a very real and legitimate feeling after a death, especially if you were a caregiver, or if the relationship was complicated, strained, or painful.
Relief can exist alongside grief. You can miss someone deeply and still feel grateful that their suffering is over. You can feel peace and sadness at the same time. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it only makes you human.
Myth #7: You Need to Be Strong for Others
This is a tough one. A lot of people, especially parents or partners, feel the need to be “strong” for the people around them.
But let’s get curious: What does “being strong” actually mean to you? And who told you that strength can’t include vulnerability?
Sometimes, letting others see your grief is the strongest thing you can do. It models for them that it's okay to hurt, okay to feel, and okay to ask for help.
Myth #8: As You Feel Less Sad, You’re Moving On
This one comes up a lot. People start to feel less sad and then suddenly feel guilty about that. They worry it means they’re forgetting or “moving on” from the person they lost.
You don’t move on from someone you love. You move with them. They stay with you, even as the pain shifts.
You might grieve the time when your sadness felt more visible or accepted. You might feel afraid that smiling again means you're letting go. A connection to a loved one doesn’t only live in sorrow; it can live in memories, jokes they’d laugh at, foods they loved, or traditions you carry on.
These are just a few myths about grief, but there are many more. The bottom line is this:
Grief is complex. It can be confusing, heartbreaking, surprising, and it’s completely personal.
There’s no timeline, no checklist, and no “right” way to do it. You're allowed to feel what you feel or not feel at all. You're allowed to ask for help, or not. You're allowed to take your time, and heal in your own way.
If you or someone you love has recently experienced a loss, I send you my deepest, most heartfelt condolences.
It’s hard. It’s messy. It’s painful.
And you are absolutely not alone.
